I walk a very fine line of My sexuality versus My job. Before I became Sexy Sapphire I had the best sex life ever I think. I did who I wanted, when I wanted and where I wanted at all times. While I know it wasn’t lady like and at times, even risky I was damn happy. At no point did I have a sexual urge I didn’t get fulfilled. Whether I just wanted head, or wanted to give some, whether I just wanted to 69 a big booty bitch or get dumb high and get My back blown out, it happened. But that’s not the case now.
My sex life started to decline the more popular I got. I had to start watching who I slept with. I was no longer just having fun, suddenly I became a target. A notch on some guy belt to brag about and I wasn’t having that. It was o.k. for Me to be a freak before but as Sapphire, a commodity I couldn’t have guys running around claiming I was easy to bed. I closed My legs.
For the first time I tried being faithful to My man except getting head which was allowed. That worked for a long time. One day I looked up though and I was single. Now I had no one to sleep with and a bunch of guys to get head from. I let them sustain Me while I dick hunted, that was 2010. I’ve been single since and in all actuality Ive been sleeping with pretty much the same guys since. I cut two off this year and currently My lovers are all men I was sleeping with either before I became so popular or before I became Sapphire. They are pretty much the only ones I trust want Me for Me, not My image or name.
I’m human so I’m ever changing, My feelings and emotions often catch even Me by surprise. Being so sexual I never thought I’d have trouble with sex in My early 30’s but I am. After 17 yeas in the sex business and sleeping with men for every reason other than love I find Myself craving love from the person I sleep with. I know My lovers all wonder whats wrong because I’ve lost interest in sleeping with them and haven’t been sleeping with them. I haven’t even called and asked for head.
I’ve talked to My therapist about it and the best I can come up with is the guy I met on My birthday ruined My sex life. I went out alone for My birthday and on the way home I met a guy. I normally don’t let guys pick Me up on the street but I was lonely and it was My birthday, he caught Me off guard. He was handsome, the epitome of what I look for physically. Taller than I, dark skin, dreads, and a beautiful smile. we exchanged numbers and began talking and spending time together regularly. He told Me up front he didn’t want to sleep with Me and that gave Me comfort.
For the next 2 months we spent virtually every day together. I discovered that even if we only had 15-20 minutes to sit and talk I was as happy as if we had sat for hours. I cant remember the last time I experienced that. For once, a man I wasn’t sleeping with made Me smile all day, just the thought of him. A text had Me smiling all day. We made a habit of ending our day together, a smoke and cuddle and I slept better than I had in forever though we never spent a night together. I got a taste of what it felt like to feel special and beautiful and wanted on a daily basis, by someone who met Me on the street, saw My flaws, My chipped teeth and all. I never bothered wearing a wig around him, never had to dress all sexy. He mad Me feel real and that changed My other relationships.
I found Myself pushing away from My lovers though I wasn’t sleeping with the guy I was spending all My time with. They would call and I wouldn’t answer or they would call and I’d tell them I needed some space. I tried having sex with the new guy eventually and I wasn’t thrilled. Spending time with him was better to Me than the actual act of sex so I told him I wasn’t ready to make our relationship sexual.
Since then I’ve had many conversations with My therapist including asking her why she thinks I’m so reluctant to start a sexual relationship with another guy who I’ve been seeing regularly for a year but haven’t slept with. He is so much of what I seek in a man, strong, determined, intelligent, willing to read and learn more, he is sensitive and mushy, cooks, cleans and takes care of Me well. Yet even though I’m attracted to him I have never slept with him. I’m lost.
My therapist thinks its notable that after so much time of relationships that have centered around sex that I am cultivating not one, but two that I am happy in but are not sex based. I think it’s a pain in the ass. See I realized, and spoke to therapist about the fact that this new guy changed how I felt about things. Somehow, meeting him and being so content in what we shared made Me realize what I was really missing. It isn’t sex. I’ve been inundated with sex and for once I slowed down and enjoyed something that wasn’t about sex. I realized that I want more than sex. I miss being loved, I miss being in love, I miss having someone that makes Me smile at just the thought of them. I want to be happy and not just when I’m penetrated.
It really made Me think, honestly out of the guys I’m sleeping with there are only one or two I could sit on phone and hold long convo with. There is only one who if I were really in a bind I know I could call and he would have My back. There’s not one that I can call spur of the moment and say come hold Me and know they’d come. Not one of the men who I had been sleeping with regularly asked Me out even once a month and said hey, lets go out. I’ve been spoiled by men I’d never sleep with and neglected by those I was faithfully giving My body to. In fact My birthday, Valentines Day, Christmas I’d like to be able to tell u the men I slept with got Me gifts. But I don’t lie. This is no longer acceptable to Me.
Now I’m at a point where My bed has become the Sahara. I’m holding out, I have had My legs closed. Somehow I’ve gotten to a point where My mind and body want to be caressed by the same person. I need more from the man I am giving My body to. I need to have something real, not a man I call just to come get My ass wet and go but someone who is around all the time, someone who likes Melony, not Sapphire and who stimulates Me in and out of bed. I know what thing, I need to find him soon because I miss My sex life and I don’t care how many toys I got, it’s not working.
Just like you have to look at My old vids and pics to enjoy what My wild days used to be like I do too. Thank God I have them on video and such hot pics like this because the way I live like a prude now no one would believe My sex life has been so amazing. I’m just waiting to meet the person who brings it all back out.
If you want to see some videos of Me in My wild days I suggest checking out My video store. You will have to go back a few pages but there are plenty of vids of Me sucking, fucking, doing girl on girl and more. Check it out at www.clips4sale.com/19665 or go into the members area at www.sexysapphire.c4slive.com